Jesus Christ
This page is about the Great Christian, for the page about the Jewish guy named Jesus, please visit this page. Jesus Colbert a.k.a. Jesus H. Christ is Our Lord and Savior aka Stephen Colbert, not to be confused with Jebus. Jesus was born on Christmas. Jesus died for our sins (which makes him one of Stephen's heroes) on a cross and now all we have to do is confess our sins and believe in Him and we get to go to Heaven. Pretty sweet deal, right? Well at least for us. Oh, and apparentlly he's a superstar. For some reason, liberals can't seem to get it together to save their godless souls. Just makes more room for the rest of us at the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet in Heaven. More than one Jesus appearing to you at a time are called "Jesi", pronounced like the "jee" in "golly-jee" and "zi" as in "Zionist pig". Seeing more than one Jesus can also be referred to as a hallucination. There's only one Jesus, in case you were stupid and didn't know. Seeing two doesn't mean your on the path to heaven, it means your on the path to drug rehab. Politics Jay-ZUS! is the founder of the Republican party, as, sensibly, he believed in Himself. It's noteworthy that, in keeping with his constant attempts to thwart Jesus, Judas (also known as Satan) started the Democrats. Jesus developed the military doctrine of "Preemptive Smite" that has turned Iraq into a stable democracy. Evil liberals would have you believe he was a wimpy pacifist. However, when he said "turn the other cheek", he meant so you could wind up a good uppercut to the jaw. What you should believe You should believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty. Maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. You should believe in one Lord Jesus Colbert, the only son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten not made, of one being with the Father. Through him all things were made. For us men and for our salvation, he came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit, he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man. For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered, died, and was buried. On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures; he ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead and his kingdom will have no end. You should believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and Son he is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the prophets. You should believe in one holy catholic and apostolic church (henceforth known as The One True Church). You should acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. You should look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen. And not some bullshit you hear on TV. Okay, now amen... Jesus's Glorious Return Please see the full article, Second Coming of Christ in the climactic final battle]] Jesus's return to America is IMMINENT! He will come in glory to judge the living and the dead, specifically non-Christians, gays, liberals, communists, and anyone who makes The Baby Jesus cry. His return will be immediately followed by the Apocalypse (look it up), during which all those judged impure will be sent straight to hell. One of the only surefire ways to guarantee yourself a place in heaven during the Apocalypse is to wear a "Welcome Jesus" t-shirt, as sported by Stephen Colbert on The Report, during His return. And then one day, on October 17, 2005, Jesus returned in the form of Stephen T. Colbert and successfully launched the Colbert Report. Then on October 9th 2007, he released the third testament of The Bible, titled I Am America (And So Can You!) A Special Message From The Lord, Jesus' Father After Jesus arose from the dead from that filthy, filthy cave, God said unto his children: Factoids * Jesus has the voice of Bob Dylan. * Jesus never shaves his beard. He just wouldn't look cool without it. * Its been revealed that Liam Neeson is actually Jesus himself. His protrayal of Qui-Gon Jin in Star Wars, the Phantom Mennace proves it....the simalarities are astounding. * Jesus is right-handed, like all Christians. * Jesus will one day return on a cloud of money. * Those two sets of footprints on the beach? One of them is Jesus; the other is a gay guy sneaking up on you, RUN JESUS! * Jesus stayed Kosher and he cries when other people eat pork. * The only language spoken by Jesus is American. * Jesus' feet, in ancient times, did not walk upon Englands mountains green. He planned to go there on holiday for a bit but then decided against it due to the price of gas and went for a couple of weeks in Mesopotania instead. * Jesus is a life member of the NRA. * After walking on water, Jesus invented the swift boat. * Jesus' favorite hockey team is the Saginaw Spirit. They win because he is on their side. In fact, he is on the Spirit roster (Team Messiah) and wears #490, which is seventy times seven. The Spirit, who are the only American team in the Ontario Hockey League, frequently pummel godless Canadians into submission, as this is the Lord's work. * Scientists conducted DNA tests on eucharist wafers after they had been blessed by a priest. The results confirmed that Jesus was a cracker (by Daniel Brockett Jr.). * Sadly blood tests run by the same scientists suggest Jesus may be an alcoholic. His blood was 6% alcohol by volume. (by Daniel Brockett Jr.) * While it is argued by some that Jesus might be black, true Americans (like Stephen Colbert) who can't see people's color wouldn't know the difference anyway. * When compared with all the non-Christian (false) deities, Jesus is the most ripped, except for perhaps Thor, but he's all about muscle mass while Jesus is about being toned. * Can do more situps than anyone else in the world (when he's not nailed to a cross). Check out that six-pack! * The obvious superiority of Christianity over Buddhism can be seen when comparing Jesus's six-pack to Buddha's blubbery mid-region. * Jesus is Allah's cousin. They met only once, and talked about beards. Jesus has a brown beard, but Allah has a black beard. Allah has a longer beard. Jesus is commonly accepted to have a more intense beard, though. And he's more photogenic than Allah. Much more photogenic. Hell, Jesus is a camera whore. *Contrary to popular belief, it was recently revealed on The Report that George Bush is not Jesus or God, but personally chosen by him as a middle man. * Jesus saves lives and then redeems them for valuable prizes. * Jesus is the wind beneath Superman's wings. * Jesus's penis size is 15 Inches. He is every womans dream and every Prison-Bitches Nightmare. * Jesus is widely regarded as one of the greatest NASCAR drivers ever, despite only starting seventeen races in his career. He has won eighteen NASCAR races, including the first Daytona 500 in 1958. * Despite what The Bible says, Jesus hates hobos. They dirty up his holy self and their stench drives him round the twist. * Jesus beat the owner of the planetoid Pluto, the group known as Monty Python in an arm-wrestling competition by growing four extra arms and beating them all. That's why Pluto is so freaking far away. * Jesus now has 20% more peanuts. * Jesus did not want his religion to be called Christianity. He originally named it Judaism 2.0, but it never stuck. * Jesus is an 8th degree blackbelt and is level 100 in the skills of Illusion, Destruction, Blade, Acrobatics, and Stealth. * Jesus Taught Big-Boss, Solid Snakes 'father' the art of Tactical Espionage. His other student "The Boss" just assisted and took over in Big-Bosses training when Jesus was called to dispatch a troop of Bears led by the evil, soulless "Yogi" that invaded heavens courtyard. It took a *very* long time for yogi to die when Jesus hanged him infront of everyone (2 hours of slowly strangling on the rope. Yogi shat and pissed himself as he dangled) * Contrary to popular belief, Jesus never has played as the Covenant in Halo 3. * Jesus managed to resurrect himself after death because he drank 13 Red Bull energy drinks before being nailed to the cross. * Jesus was actually a Muslim, becoming the first secret Muslim when his followers posthumously deified him and changed his message (by Daniel Brockett Jr.). * Currently residing in Chippewa Falls, WI Things Jesus Has Been Seen On # tortillas # Shroud of Turin # shadow on woman's floor # potatoe chips # Sugarloaf Mountain, Rio de Janeiro # Winning entry of the 2006 "Green Screen Challenge" # Toast sold to casinos # a certain men's room stall at a certain airport bathroom # An episode of Whose Line is It Anyway? # Tacos # Billboards # The smoke from the toppling World Trade Center # Bush campaign commercials # The Jerry Springer Show # Soiled Toilet paper # internet porn, but you gotta really be looking... # Every 1 in 1,000,000 pieces of toast # In Snow Flake # At the Canadian Juno awards # Top of a bear which he had recently slain # The YouTube # Poop People Jesus Loves * George W. Bush * Stephen Colbert * His Father * His Mother * His Other Mother * not bears and democrats See Also * The Baby Jesus * Greatest things * The Holy Bible * Virgin Mary * The 10 Commandments * The Second Coming of Christ * Jerry Falwell Do Not Also See * Jebus * The Qur'an * Hippie Jesus